Last night wasn’t a good one.
My mum couldn’t get something to work before she went to bed, so she asked me to come downstairs and sort it for her. I did, and as I was about to go back upstairs and to be she said “So are you not my friend anymore then?”
We argued, and I don’t know why but I suddenly started crying. And I couldn’t stop. I think mum was quite shocked at my recation, but I couldn’t stop myself. All this stuff started coming out, about how much I hate being me and how miserable I have been lately and how she doesn’t care, and all she does is be nasty to be nowadays and I never get any thanks for anything.
I have no job/no education establishment to go to. Very few friends. Most of the ones that I do have live miles away. After years of trying to change things, I am still pudgy and frizzy haired and clumsy and a wearer of ill-fitting clothes. The hobbies I have – playing music, writing and photography – I’m really no good at. I used to be this huge shining star, and was set to go and do great things, but now I’m useless. And, seemingly, I’ve suddenly turned into this snide-comment making cow.
It wasn’t a good night. Mum’s plan, for me to go hand round CVs in town today, is really only in existence because she thinks I’ll talk to some of the college kids and make friends with them. She thinks I’m going to just randomly approach people and talk to them. She thinks this is a good plan for me. How sad is it that at 18 years old my mum has to plan how I can make friends?
I need a job. I need my life back. What happened to me? This time last year, I was so happy. Why have I turned into this miserable creature?
4 Comments
October 9, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Oh you sweet thing! It happens to us all! Everyone – really. I’m 47 (gad – almost 48!) and I’m still crap at everything I’m really good at (writing, photography). But it’s not really true. We’re not crap. One wonderful thing about photography is that when you walk around something, the light changes, and then it changes the something you’re looking at, and then it creates magic. Try walking around the way you look at yourself, and find the magic. Eighteen is just way too young to give up on all that potential bursting to come out of you!
October 9, 2008 at 3:15 pm
You give a lot of people entertainment through this blog. Your writing is sharp, witty and often perceptive. Your photography has all of the same qualities and you’re much smarter than you think. Consider this period as just a lull in your life. You’ll get through it, mainly because you’re smart enough to do something about it, whereas most other people are not.
October 10, 2008 at 12:39 am
Darling.
Frizzy hair has nothing to do with your will, clumsiness is always emphasized by the belief one is clumsy, and from the pictures of you I’ve seen I don’t think you wear ill-fitting clothes. Certainly no more than a vast majority of people for sure!
And it’s wrong to say you’re “really not good at” writing, photography and music. First because I can say for the two firsts it’s not true; second because I think what you really are is “not excellently perfect at” and sometimes the difference can be fuzzy… but the point of hobbies is to be a welcome distraction, not a second job you have to excel at.
Oh, and your mum making plans for you to meet friends? I think it’s just her clumsy way to try and help you, not a statement on your inability to make friends on your own.
As a conclusion, however, I wouldn’t be surprised if your misery came from the intense boredom of not having a job / classes nor that many people to see. Things will improve greatly when you’ll get busier, I’d say.
October 10, 2008 at 12:57 am
Thank you to all…