Okay. I am afraid that this is going to be a serious, serious rant, so I do apologise in advance for any incoherent-ness, or any sentences that end with more than three exclamation points.
Basically, it’s about people constantly thinking that they know me better than I do. Guess what? You don’t. The phrase “I know you better than you do” is, in the main, total rubbish. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that it’s spoken by people who actually have no IDEA what you’re like, but know what they want you to be and think that with a little manipulation you can be turned into that person.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of people trying to change me. And you know what else I’m sick of? People who don’t get that people’s personalities can develop. I’m 18 for Christ’s sake, I’m going through identity after identity after identity trying to find one that I feel right in, and JUST BECAUSE you knew me back then when I was trying one identity on for size DOESN’T MEAN that that was actually the “me” I feel comfortable with. When I say that I’m no longer that person, that I’m actually faintly embarrassed about being that person, saying those things, I’m NOT in denial. I’ve just changed. I’ve moved on. Stop trying to put me back in that little box I was in when you knew me. I DON’T WANT TO BE IN IT! THAT’S why I’ve stopped talking like that, acting like that, saying those things. I’M NOT BURYING MY EMOTIONS, for Pete’s sake. I’m exploring new ones.
The Very Nasty Ex Boyfriend (just a note – this apparantly isn’t clear. This isn’t my most recent ex, it’s the one I had a few years ago) hated the fact that I changed from when I first met him to about half-way through our relationship – even though that change was, in fact, down to him. He kept trying to push me back … and towards the end of the relationship, when we split up, he couldn’t understand where the stronger me had some from. He told me I’d gone hard where I’d once been soft – by which he meant manipulatable. The Very Nasty Ex Boyfriend did a lot of things to me, most of which I swore I’d never let anyone do again. And I’m not. THAT’S why I’m getting so stressed at you constantly FRETTING over the fact that I’m not into all the same things that I used to be. I didn’t delete The Other Blog so I didn’t have to show my intimate feelings any more forchristssake, I intend to do that on THIS blog too! The thing that’s changed about me is that I’m not longer scared to let the people I know in real life how I feel! It used to only be Steph who I’d let in that I saw every single day – and now I’m letting my friends in to see the real me. Is that the problem with these people? They don’t like the fact that now they don’t have a monopoly on me?
Stop telling me who I am. I’m not completely fine, I’m still severely messed up, but I accept that and I’m dealing with it. Stop telling me that I’m not longer the lovely, okay-to-be-vulnerable girl I once was – I AM! Maybe it’s just that I don’t want to be vulnerable to you, any more. And that is NOT my problem! It’s yours. You have to deal with it, for god’s sake. STOP doing this. STOP making me feel terrible and STOP making me feel worried and insecure about myself. If anything has changed, it’s that now I feel happier with ME as I really am. You spent MONTHS trying to get that to happen. And now you just want me to go back to who I was – insecure, hating myself, loathing my weaknesses whereas now I actually accept them as being a human being.
I am going to be fine. Deal with it.
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In other news, my car is back and all fixed, with brakes that actually work as they’re supposed to and wheels that aren’t all buckled 
Plus, I’m drinking Maltesers hot chocolate, whilst eating Maltesers. Good times
8 Comments
May 30, 2008 at 1:31 pm
You rock the socks off me.
Bring your attitude, energy and coherence to a meeting this afternoon and stand in my corner please?
Nowt wrong with you, your thoughts or reasoning.
May 30, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I honestly do love you, Brennig. You’ve cheered me up a bit.
May 30, 2008 at 4:09 pm
You know what I hate ? When people (understand: my boyfriend, most of the time) think they know what I am feeling or thinking, even though I am telling them this is not the case.
Last time he wouldn’t believe I hadn’t cried an hour earlier. I’m like man, maybe I looked like I was about to because I was upset, but last time I checked, it was pretty straightforward to know the difference between being in tears and not being in tears. As far as I remember, it had to do with salty water coming out of your eyes. Yeah, that’s what it was. If there’s some salty water coming out of your eyes, you’re crying, if they’re dry, you’re not.
Anyway.
Rant over. (You inspired me!)
Oh and. People. What IS wrong with them?
May 30, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I HATE that, C. “Are you okay?” “Yeah, I’m good ta” “Are you sure?” “Yes” “Sure?”
I SAID YES! I think after 18 years on this planet I know the difference between feeling happy and feeling sad.
I don’t know what’s wrong with People, but I think we need to pour chlorine into the gene pool.
May 30, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Are you quite sure that you’re OK? Because you look a little off ‒ what best way is there to make you feel like you look like a walking corpse, I wonder?
Similarly, it might be because I’m not a native speaker, but I HATE it when someone asks “What’s wrong with you?”. Nothing is wrong WITH me, thanks! (Well, I mean, except for the fact that I am demented, obviously.). I always find it so aggressive… like it’s MY fault if I’m not feeling OK… not exactly the best way to make me tell you what’s wrong FOR me.
May 30, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I love you, C, I really do
May 31, 2008 at 11:31 am
I was going to send this in an email, or maybe discuss it privately. But you know, I’m sick of being slagged off without any opportunity to put my side across. So to hell with it, I’m putting it in a comment.
It’s nice to see that, despite the new title I’ve been awarded, I do at least get some credit for how much time I spent trying to help you with your issues. A back-handed compliment, I think I’d call it in this context.
Do you remember the single biggest thing I helped you with, Amy? Remember when (NAME DELETED – The REAL Very Nasty Ex) came back into your life?
Remember how many times you insisted that you were “over him” and that the things he’d put you through no longer bothered you? How many times you told me I should stop worrying about it?
Remember how hard it was for me to finally get you to admit you were in denial? Remember the blog post you wrote, that’s now been deleted forever, where you confessed to the world that you’d lying to yourself? Remember how even after the nightmares, the near-panic-attacks at college, the hysteria you suffered when he came to your workplace, you were still able to say, and believe, that you were fine and healed and recovered? Remember how you thanked me for getting you to admit that you weren’t over it and that denial didn’t make it better?
Remember the first time you came to see me? Remember how close we came to splitting up then because you told me what you thought I wanted to hear, instead of telling me the truth?
Remember how many times I asked you if something was wrong in the weeks before we split up, only to be told everything was fine at the time? Only for you then to tell me later that things had been wrong for months and you’d known it?
Remember when you sent me the text to dump me? Where you said that you were ending it in the hopes that it would fix things and we’d get back together? Remember the text shortly after, where you made an impassioned plea for me not to take being dumped as my cue to go away; where you told me that you couldn’t face the idea of me not being in your life? It was right before you became almost impossible to have a conversation with.
Remember how many times you told me you wanted us to keep talking, that it would be fine for me to email you, only to later turn around and tell me that talking to me and reading my emails had destroyed everything that remained of our relationship?
You know, as I read this post, I was most of the way through it before I was able to decide that it was me you were talking about. Most of the things you accuse me of, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
But not believing that you really mean what you say? You’re right, I have done that. Because I think I know you better than you know yourself? Because I want to change you?
No.
You want to see the reason I’ve not accepted everything you say as the truth, take a look in a mirror. Think about all the times when you THANKED me for not believing what you said.
You made me promise to stay in your life and keep caring for you after we broke up. I’ve done my best to keep that promise, despite how damn hard you’ve made it. In return, for not being a mind-reader capable of knowing what was going on in the head of somebody who would barely even speak to me, I’ve been branded “The Very Nasty Ex”, which considering my competition includes (NAME DELETED) and (NAME DELETED – The REAL Very Nasty Ex), or whatever the Hell their names are on this blog, I consider to be beyond hurtful.
I certainly consider it to grounds to assume that you release me from that promise I made. So, fine. You want me to stop fretting? I’m stopped. It’s a big relief.
May 31, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Ex – I’ve always been totally 100% honest on my Blogs. It’s what I do. So I write how I feel. I didn’t mention you specifically, as I didn’t think it was very fair to you. However, since you have replied publicly to this post, I shall do the same.
Firstly, you are not The Very Nasty Ex. That title is actually given to the ex I had when I was 13, the one I had all the problems with. And yes, you do get credit for all the help you gave me. You just don’t get credit for the fact you can’t recognise that it’s worked.
Yes, I remember all the denial I went through. I do. I remember it vividly. But now I’m not saying that I’m over all that crap with The Very Nasty Ex. I’ve accepted that I’m not, that I still have issues. You just can’t seem to break the thought that I’m STILL in denial. I know I’m severely screwed up about all that crap – but I’ve been through the worst. You should know – you were there. You helped me through it, and I’m starting to get “better” so to speak. I’ve not denied that it hurt. I’ve not. I’m not doing it now. And I’m getting more confident because of it. You just seem to be ignoring all that, all the evidence of that, and leaping to the conclusion that I’ve reverted back to the girl who denied to herself that it’d ever happen but was still full of insecurities – when I’m clearly, clearly not.
Yes, I remember the horrible weeks before we split up. But how could I have told you “No, things aren’t right at all”? How could I, when I knew that you’d be impossible to talk to afterwards? I was as stressed as hell, and I just couldn’t deal with more.
And do you remember me saying that I felt sad in the weeks before we split up, and you just making a light joke of things. I tried to talk to you about it. It didn’t work.
Sending a text to dump you – that’s not fair. That’s not fair at all. We lived hours apart – what the hell else was I supposed to do? We actually split up talking on-line, after a lengthy conversation, so don’t make it seem like I just sent you a random text out of the blue.
And yes, I wanted to be friends with you. But I became impossible to have a conversation with because every word you said made me change my mind about wanting to speak to you. You’ve changed completely since this break up. I can see almost nothing in you of the person I was so enamoured with before.
And yes, most of the things I spoke about weren’t you – because you are NOT The Very Nasty Ex. With all the time you spent helping me through it and talking to me about all the crap he did, I actually assumed you’d recognise him.
I did not make you promise to stay and talk to me and care for me. I said I wanted to talk to you – but to YOU, not to this person you’ve become. It’s possible to care about me and worry about me without suffocating me, without making me cry from frustration. A lot of people do it.
You don’t have to be a mind reader. When I tell you to stop, you stop. It’s simple. When I tell you I’m okay, honestly, I’m okay, I’m fine, really, I’m just a little stressed from exams, you believe me.
I’m glad you’ve stopped fretting. Hopefully, it’ll make life a lot easier. I still want to be friends with the person I became friends with all these months ago, and I’m hoping that maybe if you stop worrying so much we can get back there. I don’t think I CAN be friends with you in circumstances like this. It’s driving me insane.